Red Sox Front Office: Dr. Phil Meets Musical Chairs, And Then Some

What in the world is going on at Fenway Park?

The Boston Red Sox are playing musical chairs in their front office -- except in this game, names and titles are changing faster than the music.

Theo Epstein, the Boy Wonder general manager, is back in -- as general manager, after quitting last Halloween, making vague references to "philosophical differences."

I wish I could stop right there, with Epstein's reclaiming of his title, in prizefighter fashion. But the Boston Red Sox front office, since the end of the 2005 season, has resembled a combination of a "Dr. Phil" episode with a little bit of "The Apprentice" thrown in. Hell, there's even some "The Bachelor" in there, if you look hard enough.

Left holding the bag after Epstein's resignation, the Red Sox announced on Dec. 12 that Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington, two of Epstein's former lieutenants, would serve as co-GMs. Ben and Jed -- sounded too much like the famous ice cream, I guess, because last week, the team said Epstein would return to baseball operations full-time, in a capacity to be determined.

Yeah, like Theo was going to come back as the clubhouse attendant, or chief ticket taker.


"Can you hear me now? Good -- I want my job back"


It was clear that there was only one role Theo Epstein would fill with the Bosox: GM. And Epstein's resumption of the GM title was first reported Tuesday by the Boston Herald on its Web site.

So here's where the top-heavy Red Sox get the boombox out and set up the chairs:

Jed Hoyer's new job will be assistant general manager, and Ben Cherington was given the title of vice president of player personnel. Bill Lajoie stays on as a special adviser for baseball operations and Craig Shipley was named vice president for international scouting and special assistant to the general manager.

Forget player payroll -- is there enough dough in Red Sox Nation to pay all these brass?

But the fun doesn't stop with names and titles. Once you listen to team president Larry Lucchino and Epstein speak, that's when you realize it gets Dr. Phil-ish.

"Walls have crumbled, perceptions of one another have changed, and appreciation of one another has grown," Lucchino said. "As an enhanced sense of 'team' has emerged, we have rediscovered that, whatever our differences may have been, baseball is at the center of our operations and our lives, and working toward the success of the Red Sox is a commitment which all of us share."

Cue the applause and the moist eyes.

But there's more. Here's Epstein:

"There were fundamental disagreements among members of upper management" about organizational priorities, Theo's statement said.

"This lack of a shared vision, plus the stress of a far-too-public negotiation, strained some relationships, including mine with Larry Lucchino," he said. "Gradually, with the benefit of time and greater perspective, we tackled not only our personal conflicts but also the differences regarding our thoughts for the organization. We emerged, 10 weeks and many spirited conversations later, with the comfort of a shared vision for the future of the organization."

Please....I need a moment.

I wonder when the Epstein-Lucchino hug will be shown on ESPN The Deuce.

All of those words are swell, but it really boils down to this: Theo got into a snit, took his ball and went home, and the Red Sox made nice and talked him into coming back.

Dr. Phil, we don't need you after all.

My heavens, remember when front office types chomped cigars and made some trades and ran the ship with an iron fist? Those guys would say, in a variation from the movie "A League of Their Own", "There's no group hugs in baseball!"

So when's the support meeting for "Johnny Damon Lovers Anonymous"?