My Wish For 2006: Get The Broom Out In Allen Park

My friend Ian Casselberry, over at www.sweatymen.blogspot.com, recently wrote that if the Lions were to bring Dick Jauron back as head coach, he would finally sever his ties with the team and never again be a member of its fandom.

Ian, ya got it all wrong, buddy.

This is a new year, right? Time for those resolutions, and promises to one’s self to improve and be kinder to others and reduce the waistline and all that rot. But what Ian and others should know is that this time of the year can be so much juicier if you make resolutions for OTHER people. After all, the kind you make for yourself rarely pan out, so why not change it up?

So I hereby resolve that the Lions not bring back Dick Jauron as their head coach in 2006. And not only Jauron, but anyone else in whose title includes the word "coach." Broom them all, I tell you, from the offensive offensive coordinator to the quality control coach, from the linebackers coach to the strength and conditioning coach. The only true way to blow this team up -- and it is in expansion team status at this point -- is to do a complete housecleaning. Absolutely no one should be retained from the current staff, and the last one to leave should shut the lights off when they depart. Save on the electric bill for a few weeks until president Matt Millen calls another press conference to introduce what he hopes is the guy who won’t cause him to strike out on three straight pitches. Our old pal Matt is 0-2 when it comes to hiring head coaches. Maybe he’ll get lucky and pull a Rob Deer.

Deer, a Tigers outfielder in the early 90’s, had a fetish for striking out. He would do so about 150-175 times per year, to show you. But once I went to a ballgame with my girlfriend-now-wife -- a chilly night at Tiger Stadium in May 1991 -- and Deer defied all the odds. It was the bottom of the ninth, two outs, the Tigers trailing, and we started to pack up our blanket once Mr. Deer fell behind 0-2 -- he and the Tigers down to their last strike. It looked like we were going to be rescued from the night’s cold air, albeit at the cost of a Tigers loss.
But Deer cracked a homerun on the next pitch, tying the game, and the Tigers won in extra frames. It was all so improbable, but it just goes to show you -- the game is never over until that final out is made.

Maybe Matt Millen will be wise enough -- or lucky enough -- to drive the next pitch, at least into the gap, so the Lions can run around the bases a little bit. Maybe the team should hire a consultant, or an assistant for Millen who can advise him on this whole picking-a-head-coach thing. Lord knows he could use the help.

He can start by actually interviewing some people this time around -- taking his time and doing all due diligence necessary to ensure the new man is not only supremely qualified, but is determined to at least make this team more exciting to watch (re: a man with an offense-heavy resume). At least that’s what I would do if my next coaching hire was destined to make or break me.

Speaking of the Lions, someone asked me the other day what team Joey Harrington might play for if he is cut by them. I said the Raiders, for reasons I’ll explain shortly, but I must add that after seeing da Raiders drown in their own ineptitude Saturday night against the Giants, it makes me feel devilishly good that there is a Lions version of football being played in the AFC.

Did you see the Raiders take leave of their senses late in the fourth quarter? Trailing by nine, they were the beneficiaries of a pass interference call in the end zone, which placed the ball on the one-yard line with nearly four minutes to play and all three timeouts remaining. Then the Raiders went into Lions playcalling mode, much to the horror, I’m sure of Raiders Nation and owner Al Davis.

Three times they tried to drive the ball into the Giants’ strong defensive front, and three times the Raiders failed. In the process they burned two timeouts. Then it was fourth down, around two minutes to play. And with eery similarity to Jeff Garcia -- he even wears #5 -- quarterback Kerry Collins tried a sneak on fourth down. He didn’t make it. The Raiders challenged the call. They lost the challenge. They lost their third and final timeout in the process.

So here’s what the Raiders did with their golden opportunity to pull within two points with over two minutes remaining: they failed to score, AND they lost all three of their timeouts. To make matters worse, the slim hope that the Raiders could somehow force the Giants into a safety and get the ball back -- a distinct possibility since the Giants had the ball on their own one-foot line -- was dashed when, on the very next play, the Raiders jumped offsides, putting the ball just past the five yard-line. It was like watching the Lions in silver and black. And that sequence is why the Raiders are 4-12, and why Norv Turner is probably out as head coach in Oakland after two unremarkable seasons.

Now, back to Joey Harrington. If Harrington goes anywhere, I think Oakland would be a perfect fit for him. The Raiders usually like to throw downfield, and Joey can chuck it. I’m sure he’d have fun tossing the pigskin to Randy Moss and company. Plus, the Raiders are a team that traditionally takes other teams’ outcasts and welcomes them with open arms. Finally, an almost certain coaching change might mean the end of Collins’ time in Oakland as well, creating an opening for a new chucker. It all adds up, if it goes down like that, to a Harrington-to-Oakland scenario. Don’t laugh.

Oh, and while we’re at the business of making resolutions for other people, here’s one for Dick Jauron: I hereby resolve that you update your resume and keep your hopes down for another head coaching gig in the NFL.

Happy New Year.