Just Another Manic, Black Monday -- Especially If Your Name Was Mike

It was a bad day to be an NFL head coach named Mike yesterday.

No less than three Mikes got the ziggy -- that Detroit-born word for "fired" -- from their respective teams: Sherman at Green Bay, Tice at Minnesota, and Martz at St. Louis.

Listening to the press conferences announcing these cannings, I had to chuckle. First of all, every one of the men wielding the axe said the same thing: "We decided to go in a different direction." In typical "Black Monday" fashion -- the day after the final regular season game that traditionally rains ziggies on NFL coaches -- coaches were being offed at breakneck speed, which meant GM’s and owners were going in so many "different directions" that it was amazing they didn’t bang into each other.

Second, it amuses me how Black Monday, in a paradoxical way, seems to bring out the most flowery of words from those rendering the ziggy to those who are on the receiving end. If you listened to these grim reapers talk, not knowing what the situation is, you’d think they were delivering a testimonial for their victims.

"I can’t say enough about the job he did for us."

"He is a great guy and a good football coach."

"This has nothing to do with the kind of football coach he is."

And then, of course, "We just decided to go in a different direction." So despite the kind words, the ziggy still got rendered.

Perhaps the words which rang most true were these, spoken by one of the hatchet men -- I’m not sure who it was: "This is not a fair business." No, it must not be, if despite how great a guy or wonderful a football coach he is, the pink slip awaits nonetheless. But yet it’s what the Mikes and the others who got the ziggy -- Jim Haslett of the Saints and Dom Capers of the Texans, with others soon to follow -- signed up for when they became head coaches. As former Pistons coach Earl Lloyd once said, "This is a funny job. When you sign on as coach, you are signing your own walking papers." Lloyd, of course, got the ziggy himself eventually, after having replaced Butch van Breda Kolff, who committed a self-ziggy -- quitting early in the 1971-72 season. Lloyd’s words are about as true as they get, as well.

The one good thing about Black Monday is it means none of its victims have to twist in the wind, wondering about their fate. Lions president Matt Millen, who hasn’t shown himself to be much of a coach hirer, also proved to be a bad firer, with the way he treated Marty Mornhinweg. After Marty went 3-13 in 2002, for a two-year record of 5-27, Millen announced on New Year’s Eve that Mornhinweg would return for the 2003 season, after several wind-twisting days. But then Steve Mariucci got the ziggy in San Francisco a couple weeks later, and Marty was back on the hook, twisting as speculation ran rampant that Mooch would be headed to Detroit. Millen gave Marty the ziggy after all -- something better coming along, in his mind: Mariucci. Quite frankly, it was a poor way to treat someone, regardless of what one might think of Marty Mornhinweg’s coaching talents. Millen, it is thought, is probably going to deliver another ziggy soon -- replacing interim head coach Dick Jauron. "Interim" just means that you are a ziggy waiting to happen. So let's see how Matt handles the transfer of coaching power this time.

The Vikings, though, took the "I don’t want you to twist in the wind" theory to another level. Owner Zygi (I’m not making that up) Wilf waited about one hour after the Vikes’ 34-10 rout of the Chicago Bears to deliver his first name to Mike Tice. It was hasty and sloppy; Tice said his wife heard of the firing on the radio. One wonders how that cashiering went.

"Coach, great game. Nice win."

"Thanks."

"Clean out your desk."

Such is life in the NFL, which Jerry Glanville once told an official stands for Not For Long. He was, of course, referring to making bad calls on the field. But it is also an appropriate way to describe the window of a head coach -- specifically, how long it remains open.