Dammit, Jim -- I'm A Coach, Not A Miracle Worker!

"You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken feathers."
--Oft-said line about talent-challenged teams.


Sparky Anderson, Hall of Fame manager, once piloted the Tigers to 103 losses, in 1989. Most of his last years in Detroit were spent well under the .500 standard. Casey Stengel, another member in good standing in Cooperstown, managed some of the most wretched teams in baseball history, while with the New York Mets. Chuck Daly, a Hall of Famer in his own right, once had a won/loss mark so hideous as coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers I’m sure he wishes he could erase it from the record books permanently. John McKay, a brilliant college coach, needed his 27th game before he got his first victory as head coach of the expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Today, Larry Brown, coaching legend, has on his permanent record a 8-21 mark as leader of the New York Knicks. It’s the kind of record even a legend can have, when the players dribble the ball off their feet, clang shots off the iron, and pass the ball to the wrong team, or the patrons in the expensive seats.

It’s all about the horses, baby. You have them, you can win. If you don’t, you have nary a chance.

If only LB had listened to me. I wrote on this very blog last summer that the notion of Larry Brown coaching the New York Knicks was a side-splitting, tear-inducing laugh. He didn’t have the roster, he has as his GM the NBA equivalent of Mr. Magoo, and he is performing before fans who are about as patient as Refrigerator Perry in a buffet line.

Great coaches can make a difference -- no question. But the talent level needs to be at a serviceable level, or else you get Casey Stengel -- Mets version. When the roster is full of ragtags and ne’er do-wells, then you’re going to suffer -- regardless of who is coaching it.

So the fact that Larry Brown coaches at a .276 clip one-third of the way through this NBA season can hardly be surprising. His players are either young and unproven or older and set in their ways -- bad habits and all.

Bill Parcells is one of those coaches from whom miracles have been expected. He has a reputation of being a franchise "doctor" -- someone who can come in, diagnose the problem, and work to correct it. It sometimes takes longer than expected, but it always gets better. But not before a near purging of the roster he has assumed. He doesn’t work his miracles quite as fast as our creator.

As rumors swirl that Bill Parcells might be considering moving his practice to Detroit to see if he can cure the Lions, it must be pointed out that whomever comes to town is essentially inheriting an expansion team. Team president Matt Millen will disagree, but the Lions are not a football team that is a mere handful of players away from contending for the whole enchilada -- or Tuna, to be more appropriate. They are not a quick fix. Because what ails the Lions isn’t just the talent on the field. It’s attitude. It’s an inglorious history. It’s a mindset.

Isiah Thomas once said of the Boston Celtics, when they were the Pistons’ nemesis in the playoffs, "To beat the Celtics you have to beat more than just a team. You have to beat their history. You have to beat their minds. You have to beat their mystique."

So it is with the Detroit Lions, only they have to beat themselves in those categories.

If Parcells comes to Detroit, it will turn this town on like no other coaching hire in recent memory. You thought there was a buzz when Steve Mariucci hit town in an Armani suit and those baby blue eyes? That ain’t nothing compared to what will happen in Detroit if Bill Parcells is introduced at a press conference.

But it must be understood that even Parcells -- NFL Franchise Doctor -- is no miracle worker. Even Bill Parcells is going to need time -- maybe three full seasons -- to pump the Lions full of football antibiotics and get the franchise back on its feet. He needed about that long to resuscitate the New England Patriots, a motley group indeed when he took them over in 1993. And he’ll need that long, guaranteed, to declare the Lions fit for battle.

It is said coaches get too much blame for the losing and too much credit for the winning. True enough, and a team’s roster doesn’t get enough blame or credit. Not even when Franchise Doctors become in charge of them.