Thursday's Things

(when the spirit moves me, on Thursdays at OOB I rant in list fashion)

Things The Lions Need To Do In Tonight's Final Exhibition Game

1. Don't

2. Get

3. Anyone

4. Hurt

5. And

6. Don't

7. Play

8. QB

9. Jon Kitna

10. And

11. See

12. If

13. The

14. Bills

15. Will

16. Agree

17. To Play

18. Touch

19. Instead

20. Of

21. Tackle

Thursday's Things

(occasionally at OOB on Thursdays, I rant in list fashion)

Things That Stalled Negotiations Between MLB & The Umpires Regarding The Use of Instant Replay

1. Battles ensued over who gets to say, "After further review..."

2. Replay dismissed by umps because it "will just prove that we're always right"

3. Fear that it will create fewer reasons to eject Bobby Cox

4. Concerns whether shroud over monitor is large enough to accommodate an average umpire's head size

5. Umpires wanted to use replay to determine whether to use replay

6. Umpires requested video monitor occasionally show snippets from The Food Network

7. Cost of installing umpire-requested "sound proof booths" in MLB dugouts too prohibitive

8. The number of 12-year-olds needed to competently run the computers replay would require presented logistical nightmare, especially when school is in session

9. Dodgers manager Joe Torre's request to use replay to determine length of Manny Ramirez's dreadlocks kept coming up

10. The term "wind-blown home run" will now need to be changed to "video-aided home run"

11. Fear that certain hard-line umpires will ostracize video monitor during umpires' down time on the road

12. Concerns over wording on new umpire creed, which is proposed to be, "It ain't nothin' till I see it again on TV."

Thursday's Things

(when the mood strikes me on Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion)

Things That Are About As Reliable As The Tigers' Bullpen

1. A Brett Favre retirement announcement

2. "Check's in the mail"

3. A claim in a political ad

4. The accuracy of a drive-thru fast food order

5. Arrival and departure times at the airport

6. Flavored tea

7. A five-day forecast

8. A Ben Wallace free throw attempt

9. A resume from George O'Leary or Wally Backman

10. Those bottom feeding bloggers

Thursday's Things

(when the mood strikes, on Thursdays at OOB I rant in list fashion)

Things Seen On Matt Millen's "To Do" List As Training Camp Opens

1. Get all weekend passes for Pennsylvania approved by Mr. Ford

2. Schedule photo opps, smiling with coach Marinelli while watching practice; make sure to wear shorts and have beard scruffy

3. Work on compiling that list of "58 coaches" Steve Mariucci said I've fired

4. After drafting guys named Kevin Jones, Charles Rogers, Mike Williams, and Calvin Johnson -- learn how to spell and pronounce Gosder Cherilus.

5. See if I can do that Army thing with Caleb Campbell

6. Convince myself that all those signs say "HIRE Millen!"

7. Continue to polish my TV analyst audition tape

8. Now that Shaun Rogers is gone and so is his weight distraction, look into Slim-Fast for myself

9. Double check safety deposit box weekly that contains "those photos" of Mr. Ford

10. Remind myself of my over-seventy percent success rate at making the rest of the NFL feel good about itself on a weekly basis, for my benevolent self-esteem

Thursday's Things

(on some Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion)

Things Overheard In Yankee Stadium During Tuesday Night's All-Star Game

1. "This is the House That Ruth Built and that Steinbrenner Foreclosed"

2. "There are more Cubs here than in Yellowstone Park!"

3. "Is it possible to root for the American League but not the Red Sox?"

4. "15th inning? What else do you expect from an All-Star game played in the City That Never Sleeps?"

5. "This game ended right around the time Mickey Mantle and Whitey Ford would be getting in for the night, so it's appropriate"

6. "Isn't there someone else the AL can play?"

7. "Those ice cream cones remind me -- where's Madonna?"

8. "It worked for Tampa Bay: let's just call them the 'Kees"

9. "This game is almost as long as the run of Magic Johnson's talk show!"

10. "So now that the AL won, this means the Yankees get home field advantage in the World Series, right? RIGHT?"

11. "Fire Millen!"

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion)

Things That Are Good About Tiger Woods Missing The Rest Of The 2008 PGA Season Due To Knee Surgery

1. Public now finally to be introduced to rest of the PGA Tour

2. Las Vegas golf odds makers who had been laid off, soon to be called back to work due to sudden increase in workload

3. Young golfers previously discouraged about wanting to join the tour now re-charged, knowing Woods might have a bum knee on occasion

4. Some lucky knee surgeon about to have his watershed moment

5. Young daughter to get a break from being a "golf brat"

6. Phil Mikkelson just hired marketing firm to promote him as "The Left-handed Tiger"

7. Absence finally opens a door for Hillary

8. Buick Open in Grand Blanc, MI now has openings for graduation parties and large group outings; call for details

9. Takes us back to the simpler times of 1996, when the economy was great, the housing market thrived, and we loved making Bob Dole jokes

10. General public about to be educated enough about knees to qualify for online medical degrees

11. An already sagging job market won't be flooded by ex-pro golfers seeking work elsewhere!

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion)

Other Things Disgraced NBA Referee Tim Donaghy Claims Happened During His Tenure

1. Rims mechanically expanded by remote control whenever Michael Jordan shot the ball

2. Refs promised free large order of fries from McDonald's whenever total fouls called in a game reached 60 or higher

3. Annual pig roasts at home of Lakers owner Jerry Buss filled with loose women, liquor, and promises of promotion to calling NBA Finals games in which Lakers participate

4. Golden State's name picked out of hat prior to 2007 playoffs to be Cinderella team that an entire nation -- and officiating crews -- would rally around

5. Highly detailed and convoluted plan to orchestrate a stunning Clippers-Hawks NBA Finals matchup in 2003 collapsed late in negotiations

6. Commissioner David Stern founder of cult NBA religion known as Jordanism

7. One of three refs on crew during Pistons games assigned personally to Rasheed Wallace

8. High-tech whistles able to be remotely disabled whenever second string players drive lane against league stars

9. Officials routinely slip scoreboard operator "a twenty" in exchange for "an extra point tacked on here and there" for Lakers during intense playoff games

10. Officials attended Tarot card readings to help them determine winners of mundane regular season games -- like a Clippers-Hawks matchup -- that weren't worthy of full-blown manipulation based on significance of standings

Thursday's Things - A Day Late

11 Things I'll Remember Most From The Red Wings' 2008 Stanley Cup Run (One for each Cup the franchise has won)

11. Wondering if the run would end before it really got started when the Wings were forced into OT by an inferior and totally outplayed Nashville team in Game 5 of the first round

10. Johan Franzen practically outscoring the Colorado Avalanche by himself in the second round sweep

9. ESPN's Barry Melrose predicting the Avs would take the Red Wings out in six games in what would be a "nasty" series. Instead, it was a Detroit sweep in a series that, if it were football, would have been two-hand touch

8. Wondering why the hell Avs coach -- now EX-coach -- Joel Quenneville didn't start goalie Peter Budaj in Game 3 in Colorado after Jose Theodore stunk up the joint in Games 1 and 2 in Detroit

7. Realizing, after the Red Wings dumped out the Predators in six games, that we probably weren't going to see Dominik Hasek step onto the ice as a Red Wing again -- not for the rest of the playoffs, and not for the rest of his life

6. Nicklas Lidstrom's goofy, done-on-purpose misdirection shot from center ice that beat Nashville goalie Dan Ellis in the clinching Game 6 -- and everyone saying it was a good omen, because of a similar shot Lidstrom made in 2002 against Vancouver

5. Delighting in Dallas goalie Marty Turco's lack of success in Joe Louis Arena as an NHL player, which continued thru Games 1 and 2 in the conference final

4. Cursing Turco's timing as he finally won a game in Detroit in Game 5 to turn what was once a 3-0 series lead into a 3-2 nailbiter

3. As the Final Four played out, looking across to the Eastern Conference and knowing that the Red Wings are going to win the whole deal, because neither Pittsburgh nor Philadelphia scared me -- especially Philly

2. Walking out of the press box in Joe Louis Arena after Game 1 of the Cup Finals and turning to Jerry Green and asking, "Are the Wings that good, or are the Penguins that bad?" He said, "Well, you didn't see the first half of the first period" -- and I hadn't, because I was late. But I asked the same question after Game 2, too -- and I saw ALL of that one

1. Standing up, keeping one eye on the clock and the other on the action on the ice, near the Red Wings management cubby of Steve Yzerman, Ken Holland, Scotty Bowman, and Gordie Howe, wondering how they'll react when the Cup is won at the end of Game 5. Then experiencing what it's like for 20,000+ folks to have their guts slugged at the same time.

1a. Nearly tearing up when Lidstrom handed the Cup to 39-year-old Dallas Drake and watching Drake's pure joy in finally realizing his dream

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things I Remember Most About The Pistons-Celtics Playoff Rivalry Of The Late-1980s, Early-1990s)

Things I Think Of When I Think Of The Pittsburgh Penguins

1. That their colors used to be blue and white before changing them -- in mid-season -- to black and gold in response to the Steelers and Pirates' championships of 1979

2. That for some reason I know that Gordie Howe scored his 700th goal in Pittsburgh -- even though I was too young to remember it

3. That they are one of the two NHL teams that blew a 3-0 series lead (in 1975 against the Islanders)

4. That they're yet another one of Scotty Bowman's Cup-winning teams (1992); Larry Murphy, too.

5. That not too long ago it looked like they'd be kicked out of Pittsburgh due to poor teams and a stalemate over a new arena

6. That TV analyst Eddie Olcyzk once coached them, B.C. -- Before Crosby

7. That the throwback sweaters they wore in Buffalo for that game played outside were awesome



8. Their TV announcer, Mike Lang, and his colorful calls of goals, i.e. "He beat him like a rented mule!"

9. That the Civic Arena was once known as The Igloo for several years

10. That I have an early-1990s Pens jersey with my name on the back -- because I have a thing for penguins (I collect penguin stuff)

11. Mario Lemieux

12. Ken Schinkel (don't ask me why; I always thought the former Penguin player and coach of the 1970s had a cool name)

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things Dominik Hasek Does Now That He's The Backup Goalie)

Things I Remember Most About The Pistons-Celtics Playoff Rivalry Of The Late-1980s, Early-1990s
(in honor of a likely matchup with the Celts in '08; in no particular order)

1. Bill Laimbeer bringing a sickle in a satchel into the Silverdome in 1988, symbolizing the need to "cut the snake's head off", in reference to the Pistons' 3-2 lead in the conference finals. The Pistons won.

2. The Pass. Of course, I'm talking about Isiah Thomas's errant inbounds pass in '87 that Larry Bird picked off and turned into a Celtics victory. And GM Jack McCloskey saying, "On my deathbed, I'll probably say, 'We shouldn't have made that pass.'"

3. Game 6 of the conference semis in 1991. It doesn't get much notoriety, but it was one of the best games in the rivalry's history. The Pistons won an overtime thriller; I remember watching it at a watering hole near the Detroit River.

4. Kevin McHale's pseudo-three. It came late in Game 2 of the 1991 conference semis, in Boston. The Pistons were looking for a 2-0 series lead. McHale's toe was clearly on the line, but the refs gave him a three anyway; a crucial call that enabled the Celtics to win.

5. Dennis Rodman's mouth. After the Pistons were eliminated in '87, Rodman said that Bird gets the praise he does because he's white.

6. The Pistons winning Game 5 in Boston in 1988 -- their first win in Boston in years. It enabled them to advance to the Finals.

7. Celtics announcer Johnny Most screaming into his microphone about the Bad Boys: "OH, THE WAY THEY DO THINGS HERE!!"

8. Vinnie Johnson lighting up Joe Louis Arena in the 1985 conference semis, earning the nickname The Microwave from Danny Ainge.

9. Robert Parish slugging Laimbeer across the head and face in the lane in Boston.

10. Adrian Dantley and Johnson crashing to the floor and butting heads, chasing a loose ball, knocking both players silly, in Game 7 in 1987. The Garden Leprechaun at work once again.

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things I Like [and don't like] About Sports Coverage On TV)

Things Dominik Hasek Does Now That He's The Backup Goalie

1. Extra time to catch up on back issues of Senior Living magazine

2. Scratches itch to play by flopping on kitchen floor to stop errant bagel

3. Still waiting on that Chris Osgood voodoo doll to come back from Haiti

4. Unsuccessfully trying to convince Mike Babcock that his first round troubles a result of too much partying at the Grand Ole Opry the nights before Games 3 and 4

5. Dominator clothing line coming out with new custom-made seat cushions

6. Will start live blogging from bench during games

7. Daily chants of "The best goalie is the one not playing; the best goalie is the one not playing"

8. Still smarting from that awkward moment recently when everyone in dressing room shut up when he walked in

9. Works on reflexes by channel surfing around commercials

10. Asked for trade to Colorado after second period of Game 4 to shore up their goaltending situation

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things That Former Avalanche Players [and coaches] Are Doing Nowadays)

Things I Like (and Don't Like) About Sports Coverage On TV

Like: The idea of miking up players and coaches during games
Don't Like: When the sound bites are played back, and they're about as exciting as putting a mike on Marcel Marceau

Like: Pierre McGuire standing between the benches during NHL games
Don't Like: McGuire's constant reporting of each team's "body language", especially after goals -- as if he's giving us something we don't already know

Like: The fact that networks have more cameras at games than ever before
Don't Like: The fact that networks have more cameras at games than ever before; too tempting for directors who are constantly fixing what ain't broke; discretion, gentlemen

Like: Goal cams inside the net
Don't Like: That half the time, you can't see what the hell happened from their perspective

Like: Those "pitch by pitch" breakdowns after certain at-bats
Don't Like: That there's no suspense; I already know the outcome! How about a pitch-by-pitch of an at-bat I HAVEN'T seen? NOW you're talking fun!

Like: Studio halftime shows with experts
Don't Like: That the panels are getting bigger and bigger; you need a panoramic view to capture everyone sitting at the desk; the host and the dude on the far right are in different area codes

Like: Interviews with managers live, between innings
Don't Like: The fact that they didn't come out with this when Earl Weaver and Billy Martin and Sparky Anderson were doing their thing

Like: Interviews with hockey players between periods
Don't Like: That they don't seem to ever have those towels around their necks anymore, sweating profusely and wiping their face every other answer; THAT was a hockey interview!

Like: Video replay for officials
Don't Like: That the first angle we see at home usually seals the deal right away, but the officials don't seem to know it until 10 minutes later

Like: That yellow line they super-impose on the screen during football games that tells you where the first down marker is located
Don't Like: That they don't have something similar at the stadium, to let you know where the nearest men's room is located

Like: "Any re-broadcast or re-transmission of this game without the expressed, written consent of the National Basketball Association is strictly prohibited"
Don't Like: That there isn't a similar policy requiring MY expressed, written consent before any hiring of Bill Walton for NBA analysis

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things Overheard When Jim Leyland "Lost It" At His Team Last Sunday)


Things That Former Avalanche Players (and coaches) Are Doing Nowadays

7. Marc Crawford (coach): in addition to his duties as coach of the Los Angeles Kings, Crawford (who famously jawed with Red Wings coach Scotty Bowman during the '97 playoffs) is slated to star in the upcoming Michael J. Fox Story, playing Fox.


6. Uwe Krupp (defenseman and dog sledder): landed small role in new Brady Bunch series in the remake of that episode where that guy tries to bilk the Bradys out of money by wearing a fake neck brace. Originally played so well by Jackie Coogan.

5. Curtis Leschyshyn (defenseman): has made a good living off the royalties of his surname being the only name in the world that rhymes with "precision"

4. Sandis Ozolinsh (defenseman): donated his name to the nation's police, who now ask suspected drunk motorists to say it as part of a sobriety test. *Note* It's a trick question, because even sober people can't pronounce it without slurring.

3. Mike Ricci (forward): appears in sideshows during the off-season as The World's Ugliest Hockey Player.


2. Claude Lemieux (forward and coward): is national spokesperson for new line of Hanes turtleneck shirts


1. Patrick Roy (arrogant, hot dog goalie): returned to school and recently finished third grade, but not before being suspended for challenging fellow third grader to fight at "3:30 p.m. sharp behind the old Miller barn"

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Ten Things I'll Never Forget When It Comes To Red Wings Playoff Runs)

Things Overheard When Jim Leyland "Lost It" At His Team Last Sunday

1. "This ain't TV; I can say those 'Seven Words', you know! I'm THIS close!"

2. "$%&! &%$ #@!* !#$%! See? That's four of 'em, right there!"

3. "I picked a bad week to cut down to three packs of Marlboros per day"

4. "Can't anyone around here throw a G**damn first pitch strike?!"

5. "Or work a F***ING ball three count?"

6. "The next guy who grounds into a $#!@ double play, I'll have Gene Lamont sit on you!"

7. "Or has to step in against Dontrelle Willis"

8. "Cy Young is dead! And you guys keep reincarnating him"

9. "Those Geico cavemen can hit better with their $#@! clubs!"

10. "Just kill me now and get it over with"

11. "Even Andy Van Slyke doesn't find this funny"

12. "Keep this up and I'll bring Bonds in here. Don't think I won't!"

13. "We got more stiffs in here than the Wayne County morgue"

14. "We need Shaun Rogers on our pitching staff. At least he has no trouble locating a plate"

15. "You guys could take batting practice in a china shop and we'd owe them nothing"

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things The Tigers Can Do To Improve Their Bullpen Until Fernando Rodney And Joel Zumaya Return)

Ten Things I'll Never Forget When It Comes To Red Wings Playoff Runs*
*Note: I'm leaving winning the Cups out of this list because those are too easy

10. Goose loonies. In 1988, several Red Wings players were seen partying until the wee hours at the Goose Loonies bar in Edmonton, on the eve of Game 5 of the Conference Finals. That incident -- which was followed by a lackluster performance in the game -- cast aspersions on coach Jacques Demers' control over his players, and followed him until he was fired two years later.

9. John Brophy's choke gesture. Maple Leafs coach Brophy was caught on camera looking at the Red Wings bench and making a choking gesture during the 1987 conference semi-finals, mocking them while his Leafs charged to a 3-1 series lead. The Red Wings came back to win the series as Brophy's team gagged.

8. An unexpected ovation. I attended Game 4 of a first round series against the Blues in 1984, with the Red Wings facing elimination in the best-of-five go-round. The Red Wings lost in overtime, but after a brief groan by the crowd, they suddenly erupted in ovation, saluting the team's first playoff appearance in six years. It was quite a moment that I obviously haven't forgotten.

7. Upsetting the Canadiens. The Cinderella Red Wings faced the mighty Canadiens in Round 2 in 1978, and after losing Game 1, came back to stun the Canadiens in Game 2, squaring the series. The Red Wings came home to a raucous Olympia crowd, but lost the next three games.

6. Dino's declaration. After Claude Lemieux disfigured Kris Draper's face in the 1996 Conference Finals, Dino Ciccarelli stewed after the Avs bumped the Wings out. He spoke of the post-series handshake with Lemieux, saying, "I can't believe I shook his f***ing hand."

5. Yzerman returns from knee injury. It happened in Game 3 of the Conference Finals in 1988 against Edmonton. Steve Yzerman, out since early-March with a severe knee injury, showed us yet another example of his toughness and dedication when he returned after only two months, the Red Wings down 0-2 in the series. The ovation for no. 19 was thunderous.

4. Yzerman goes down. Game 5 of the 2004 conference semis. Yzerman is felled by an errant slapshot, taking it directly in the eye. All I kept thinking was, "PLEASE don't let his career end this way." Thankfully, it didn't, but it was a horrific injury.

3. Bill Lochead's goal. I wrote about it extensively here, but it bears mentioning again. Lochead's goal late in Game 2 of the 1978 first round put the Red Wings ahead against the Atlanta Flames, and they held on for their first series win in 12 years.

2. Yzerman's OT goal vs. St. Louis. It was sheer relief that I felt when Yzerman scored on a slapshot from the blue line to beat the Blues in double OT in Game 7 of the 1996 conference semis. The Wings won 62 games, then struggled to dispatch Winnipeg in Round 1. After taking a 2-0 lead on St. Louis, the Blues won the next three games. The Wings won a gutsy Game 6 on the road, then finally eliminated the Blues, 1-0, in Game 7. I remember pounding the carpet, screaming, "Thank God! Thank God!"

(TIE) 1. Larionov beats the 'Canes. Game 3, 2002 Cup Finals. It went into triple OT, and I watched this one in my car, at a drive-in theater, on one of those six-inch TV screens plugged into my cigarette lighter. As my wife and child dozed off, I watched silently. When Larionov scored, I stifled a scream, and I could hear others in their cars yelling. It was wonderfully surreal.

1. Wings come back against Caps. Game 2, 1998 Cup Finals. A wild one. The Red Wings fall behind by two goals twice, then rally to tie late in the third period. Washington's Esa Tikkanen misses an open net, with the Caps still up by one, opening the door for the Wings. Draper wins it in overtime. One of the most exciting playoff games you'll ever see.

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things That The Pistons Are REALLY Thinking About While They Plod Through The Rest Of The Regular Season, Unable To Change Their Playoff Positioning)

Things The Tigers Can Do To Improve Their Bullpen Until Fernando Rodney And Joel Zumaya Return

1. Let Jason Grilli wear his road uniform during home games

2. Pray for rain-shortened games

3. Score. A lot.

4. Does anyone know what John Hiller is up to nowadays?

5. Designate Justin Verlander as "all-time pitcher"

6. In the same vein, make opposing hitters call their field prior to every at-bat

7. Have Chuck Hernandez work on a new strategy, called "get them to hit it to Polanco"

8. Ask the Surgeon General for a special waiver for Jim Leyland and his Marlboros

9. Starters fined heavily if they don't make it through eight innings

10. New Comerica Park promotion: free pack of Rolaids with every ticket purchased

11. Replace ballpark's merry-go-round with community prayer circles

12. Did we mention score a lot?

Thursday's Things

(just about every Thursday at OOB, I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things That Made Prized Football Recruit Terrelle Pryor Choose Ohio State Over Michigan)

Things That The Pistons Are REALLY Thinking About While They Plod Through The Rest Of The Regular Season, Unable To Change Their Playoff Positioning


1. "WHICH team does Chucky Atkins play for again?"

2. "When did we get rid of Primoz Brezec?"

3. "How is that new Sonic Burger in Southgate?"

4. "I'm going to shoot my next free throw underhanded"

5. "I just realized: I've never seen Flip sit down -- ever"

6. "Just for fun, let's sign Bob Seger, Tommy Hearns, and Kid Rock for the rest of the season"

7. "Do these warmups make me look fat?"

8. "I forget: is it Charlotte Hornets and New Orleans Bobcats, or the other way around?"

9. "I wonder what the record is for quickest time fouling out"

10. "You know what would be funny right now? An alley-oop to Lindsey Hunter"

11. "I still don't know how to pronounce Cheikh Samb's name"

12. "Is McDyess Irish?"

Thursday's Things

(on most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things In Sports I'd Love To See)

Things That Made Prized Football Recruit Terrelle Pryor Choose Ohio State Over Michigan

1. Doesn't trust Michigan after finding out that no wolverines exist in the state

2. Buckeyes' scarlet uniforms hide blood better

3. Is secretly a huge Blue Jackets fan

4. Was afraid Rich Rodriguez might "accidentally" shred his high school football records

5. Jim Tressel's red sweater vests very soothing and grandfatherly

6. Still sees some of Tom Brady's shadow in Ann Arbor

7. Has always wanted to dot the "i" in Ohio during halftime band performances

8. That whole Appalachian State thing

9. Can't wait to help his teammates lose more national championship games for Buckeyes

10. Ann Arbor full of "left wing liberals" and "hippie freaks"

11. Likes all those little stickers the Buckeyes put on their helmets

12. Was promised that he'd never have to visit Cleveland

13. Likes the guaranteed win every November against Michigan

Thursday's Things

(most Thursdays at OOB, I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things Overheard At The Shaun Rogers Press Conference When He Was Introduced As A Cleveland Brown)

Things In Sports I'd Love To See

1. Tom Selleck and Billy Crystal in a homerun derby

2. One more Pistons game at Cobo Arena

3. Kobe Bryant pass the ball

4. The Houston Rockets lose again

5. Niklas Kronwall healthy for the playoffs for the Red Wings

6. Niklas Kronwall healthy for the regular season for the Red Wings

7. Niklas Kronwall healthy for the exhibition season for the Red Wings

8. Flip Saunders sit down, just once, while coaching

9. Interleague games in MLB played with AL rules in NL parks, and vice-versa

10. Someone explain to me why we can't enact an overtime rule in the NFL that ensures each team gets the ball once (e-mail me and I'll tell you my proposal: gregger63@gmail.com)

11. A return to all day games at Wrigley Field

12. An actual, REAL doubleheader in baseball -- not these day-night things

13. No NBA players under 20 years of age

14. How Mel Kiper spends his free time

15. On second thought, I'd rather not

16. The removal of the term "at the end of the day" when talking about ANYTHING -- not just sports

17. Same with "on the same page"

18. The surgical removal of the vocal cords of any announcer who calls the free throw line the "charity stripe"

19. Or the penalty box "the sin bin"

20. The San Francisco Giants put the players' names back on their home jerseys. Who do they think they are? The Yankees or the Cubs or the Red Sox?

Thursday's Things

(every Thursday -- most of them, anyway -- at OOB I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things In Sports I'll Never Understand)

Things Overheard At The Shaun Rogers Press Conference When He Was Introduced As A Cleveland Brown

1. "You guys got a Sonic Burger here?"

2. "How about Fuddrucker's?"

3. "Dunkin' Donuts or Tim Hortons?"

4. "So, the target weight is a minimum, right?"

5. "I'll answer questions, but first I need to be put on pure oxygen for 15 minutes"

6. "OH! I thought you said I was playing for Cleveland BROWNIES"

7. "Well, at least here, I won't look as big standing next to the head coach!"

8. "When's lunch?"

9. "I'm here today because Detroit wasn't big enough for me and coach Marinelli -- literally"

10. "Please don't show the video of me returning that pick for a TD against the Broncos. I get winded just looking at it"

11. "I'm just here to give 50% and help the team have a great first half of the season"

12. "I pretend the quarterback is a Slim Jim"

13. "I'm not so big once you get to know me and doctor the media guide"