Oh, Notre Dame football, what has happened to thee?
Oh-and-four. And with an offense so meager, Touchdown Jesus is about ready to become The Punting Pontiff. The Irish have reached the end zone so few times, I hear next week bouncers will be stationed at the goal lines to check the ND players' IDs before admittance.
Ahh, I've got a million of 'em.
The golden domed helmets have lost so much market value, ND is going to switch to copper headgear. Things are so bad, the Leprechaun in the school logo is lying prone, little birdies flying around his head. Knute Rockne has been spinning in his grave so fast, those buried next to him got dizzy.
Want a few more?
Irish Spring soap is thinking of changing its name to Trojan Brook, to avoid taking a hit in sales. Dr. Seuss has stopped dying his eggs and ham green.
What do you call it when you cross the Notre Dame football team with the Washington Generals? In breeding.
OK, OK -- I'll stop.
Wait -- just one more. The student body's new mantra is "Put Our Weis In A Vise."
OK. NOW I'm done.
By the way, do you know who the "Faust" is that I referred to? It's none other than Gerry Faust, who was plucked from high school football glory to coach ND in the early-1980s, with disastrous results. The mantra back then was "Oust Faust." But Faust's years were not nearly as disastrous as what's going on in South Bend right now. In fact, even though I promised to stop, doesn't there appear to even be a joke within the words "South Bend" nowadays? I'll get back to you on that.
Weis (top) "HELLLPPPP!!" (bottom: Faust, before being ousted)
Last night on the tube, as part of the "Monday Night Countdown" extravaganza on ESPN, former NFLers Bill Parcells and Keyshawn Johnson were asked about the Notre Dame plight -- though why, I don't know, since it was a show about the NFL. Keep in mind that Johnson is a proud grad of ND rival USC.
"I think what you're seeing is Charlie Weis's guys," Johnson said of the current Irish coach. "And there isn't any speed there. Tyrone Willingham's (Weis's predecessor) guys, like Brady Quinn, are gone. So you're seeing Weis's guys."
Then this from Johnson. "I hope they lose the rest of their games. I'm a Trojan!"
Parcells agreed with the assessment of Notre Dame's lack of team speed. Though he wasn't as quick to attack Weis's recruiting, being a coach himself and all. But he did offer an interesting insight.
"I think with some of the former independents moving into conferences, that's allowed them to improve their recruiting," Parcells said of schools like Boston College and Cincinnati, among others. "For some reason, blue chip recruits are very attracted by conference play. And their friends and families get to see them play schools within a relatively close geographic location."
I'm not sure I buy all of this as explaining all that's wrong with Notre Dame, but some of it rings true and plausible.
Notre Dame football has fallen, an empire in ruins. Its toppling was surprising in its quickness, stunning in its totality. And it may not come back for a while.
No joke.
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