With One Word, Mike Martz Had Me

"One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do..."
-- Three Dog Night


Okay, but what about "none"? That, to Lions fans, should be the happiest number -- if you consider "none" a number at all.

Mike Martz, the Lions' new offensive coordinator, uttered the word "none" yesterday in an interview with Mike O'Hara of the Detroit News. It was in answer to a simple question.

How much similarity does his offensive system have with the popgun West Coast offense that's been run in Detroit -- without success -- since 2001?

"None," Martz said.

Simple question, simple answer.


Martz had me at "None"


And, with one word, Mike Martz should have warmed the hearts of Lions fans everywhere -- even the ones who live in the sunny, already-warm states anymore.

As far as I'm concerned, Martz could have given us, through O'Hara, a 5,000-word dissertation on his theories about moving the ball and the ins and outs of a system that has, in the past, been labeled "The Greatest Show On Turf." Catchy nickname -- a bit cutesy for me -- but there is a track record. Points have been scored using it. MVP awards have been won using it.

And a Super Bowl has been won with it, and another appeared in.

Yes, Martz could have droned on and on, but in one word, he got me. Kind of like the girl in "Jerry Maguire" who says, "You had me at 'hello'."

Mike Martz had me at "none."

The fact that the guru himself has declared that his offense will bear absolutely no resemblance to the stuck-in-the-mud baloney that we've been subjected to for the 2000's is enough to make me want to throw my arms around him and kiss him on the cheek.

Well, almost.

Martz didn't pussyfoot around with the question, and I like that. He didn't give nicey-nicey coach doublespeak, like so many of them tend to do. He didn't say anything like, "Well, there's not a whole lot, but there are some base things that are alike." He didn't say, "There's mainly some difference in nomenclature, but other than that there's not much that's different."

No.

He was asked, straight out, what the similarity was.

"None," he said.

There is a football God.

Besides "none," the only thing Mike Martz could have said that would have made me happier -- and caused me to chuckle -- was if he had responded, "Well, the way I see it, my offense scores points, so I can't really see any similarities at all."

But I'll be satisfied with "None."

Not only are there no similarities, according to Martz, but the plan is to move the ball with Pal Joey at quarterback. Joey Harrington is the man, so y'all better get used to it. Martz said, after watching film of Harrington for about a week, "He's better than I thought, skill-wise. After watching him now on tape, I think he's terrific."

So there you have it. The Lions' new offensive genius says Joey Harrington is terrific. And already I can tell that Martz doesn't say things he doesn't mean. He wouldn't have been so glowing about Harrington if he didn't feel that way. He has no loyalty to Joey Harrington. And there is no charity in the NFL; no free lunches. No jobs handed out just because you're a nice guy. If Mike Martz had reservations about his quarterback, we would have been able to tell. We're pretty good at reading between the lines around here. So good, we even see things that aren't there sometimes.

But here's what IS there: Mike Martz says his offensive system bears zero resemblance to the five yard pass on 3rd-and-eight. Nothing at all alike with a screen pass on 3rd-and-22. Zip likeness to four plunges into the defense's belly near the goal line. Maybe there'll even be a pass play called on first down now and again. Imagine that.

By the way, I also have a one-word answer, if you were to ask me what I thought of Steve Mariucci's offense.

Sorry, I can't use it here. This is a family blog, you know.