Thursday's Things

(every Thursday at OOB I rant in list fashion. Last week it was Things I Wish I Had Said)

Things The Lions Should Do To Break Their 0-20 Record In Washington
This Sunday

1. Change the contest to a no-holds barred UFC match between Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and former D.C. mayor Marion Barry. I like our chances with the hulking Kwame against the drugged out, scrawny Barry.

2. Designate Matt Millen an honorary Redskins captain. Millen played on the 1991 world champion 'Skins. Maybe his losing karma will poison the Washington sidelines for a game.

3. Convince O.J. Simpson that the Redskins have some of his stolen sports memorabilia in their locker room. Maybe a well-timed O.J.-led "sting" can disrupt the Redskins' pre-game preparations.

4. Call on recent history. The Democrats won control over Congress last November for the first time in decades. The Lions can use that for motivation.

5. Change the weekly slogan to "One out of 21 ain't bad." I think Rod Marinelli is up to the challenge.

6. Sign Rudy for inspiration. Or Radio. Or Lucas. Or the Marshall team. Or Robin Williams and Dennis Quaid from that one football movie. Or the guys from the "Longest Yard". While you're at it, have Gene Hackman give the pre-game speech, a la "Hoosiers."

7. Stab their punter in the leg. I heard someone tried this. Any idea how it worked out?

8. Get Clinton Portis to play with Mattel toys made in China. Maybe the elevated amounts of lead will throw him off kilter.

9. Hire medium John Edward. Have him communicate with the ghosts of Lions past who've actually beaten the Redskins in Wash.....wait -- that won't work, will it?

10. Trade Jason Campbell to Atlanta for Joey Harrington. Need I explain this one?

OK, there they are. Talk amongst yourselves. And remember, they're just things.