Fourth Quarter Marathon Like A Grade-B Horror Movie

This just in: the officials working yesterday's Lions-Bears game finally finished reviewing every single play at 9:45 a.m. this morning, and have OFFICIALLY declared the Lions 37-27 winners, with 100% of the plays reporting.

First, let me tell you that I had no idea the Lions had set an NFL record for most points scored in the fourth quarter, mainly because I didn't even realize the 34 points had all been scored in the fourth quarter. Why? Because the Lions scored on the first play of the fourth, and we all know that the amount of time that passed between the first play and the last was approximately ... well, I don't want to say it was a long time, but bell bottoms went back out of style and came back in while the Lions were trying to put away the Bears.

Until yesterday, I thought some of the most excruciating sports-watching were the last two minutes of a close NBA game. But yesterday's Lions game trumped all that. The Bears were like one of those horror movie villains that wouldn't go away or be killed.

They would fumble, and it would always go out of bounds. The Lions scored on a defensive TD to take the lead, only to see Devin Hester, who's had more dangerous returns than a store clerk the day after Christmas, run back the ensuing kickoff for a touch. The Lions went ahead by ten late in the quarter (thanks to the Bears blocking a PAT), then the Bears drove down the field. They appeared doomed when a zany pass was caught by a lineman and fumbled into the end zone, where the Lions recovered. Only, the officials ruled that the zany pass was actually a zany fumble, and the Bears would retain possession, inside the 15-yard line. Then the Lions defense held and the Bears kicked a FG to bring them within seven. But then the officials -- and by this time I'm ready to check them all for Tim Donaghy DNA -- flagged the Lions for defensive illegal procedure on the kick. I didn't even know there was such a thing. So the Bears took the penalty, which gave them fourth-and-goal at the 1.

"No. 92, lining up directly over center," was the call. Didn't know you couldn't do that. Sounds like football, to me. Regardless, the Bears took the points off the board, went for the TD, and got it. Now they're within three, with less than a minute left. I swear that 20 minutes earlier, there was about 40 seconds more than that remaining. The clock was moving slower than I-94 traffic on a Friday afternoon.

So the Bears try the required onsides kick, and the Lions' Casey FitzSimmons runs the darn thing back for a game-sealing touchdown.

Right?

Oh no, we're going to review it. The officials reviewed more video in that game than Leonard Maltin in a busy week. What they were looking for, I have no idea, although I thought the ball had touched a Bear prior to the minimum ten yards when I saw the play for the first time, live, without having to poke my head under a hood to see it again. I now am thinking that if the Donaghy DNA testing fails, then these zebras certainly must be direct descendents of the crew that worked the USA-Russia Olympic basketball travesty of 1972.

So more delays before the referee says, "There IS no review." Huh??

For cripe's sakes -- but the Lions win. I can wear my bell bottoms again.

This 2007 season is but 25% old, but the Lions have already matched their win total of 2006. That's like an MLB team doing it after 40 games -- which is pretty much impossible. And that's what the Lions are doing -- the previously impossible.

A gut-check fourth quarter win at Oakland in Week 1. A gut-check OT win against Minnesota in Week 2. And a gut-check fourth quarter win in Week 4, after a gut-churning loss in Philadelphia in Week 3.

Even the Fox announcers are heaping praise on QB Jon Kitna and his bounty of receivers. Kitna is gaining a reputation now from the national media as a leader in the mold of old-timers like Joe Kapp and newer-timers like Brett Favre: tough and perhaps not the most talented, but the unquestioned pied piper.

But for me, the loveliest part of that fourth quarter marathon was the drive that ended with a TD that gave the Lions a 30-20 lead. The Lions did most of their damage in that possession inside Bears territory with the run. They grinded it out, and Kevin Jones went five yards off tackle for the touchdown and I think I got misty-eyed. I've said it before: give Kitna and his receiving stable 100-120 yards rushing a game -- plus some more consistent pass protection -- and the Lions could darn well be nearly unstoppable, at least by their opponents.

Ahh, the turnovers. No interceptions in the end zone this week (unless you count the one thrown by Chicago's Brian Griese), but RB Tatum Bell fumbled inside the Bears' 10-yard line, and replays showed he simply dropped the ball; he wasn't hit nor nothin'. Kitna fumbled a couple of times.

Fox's Brian Baldinger said it best: the Lions' offense is high-risk, high-reward. And we've pretty much seen a lot of both thru the first quarter of the season.

Speaking of quarters, if the fourth quarter of the season takes as long, comparatively, as the fourth quarter of yesterday's game, they'll be playing the Super Bowl during the Stanley Cup Finals.

And how will the Red Wings and Lions deal with that?