Once And For All...

Sports is full of age-old questions and debates. They make for grand times at the polished oak of your neighborhood bar, positively mesmerizing moments on talk radio, and are sure to get the blood roiling in Internet chat rooms. Certainly everyone thinks they've got it right, you know.

As do I.

Frankly, it's not so much that I've got it right -- even though I do -- but rather, that I'm sick of all the back-and-forth, nothing-ever-gets-solved-or-decided nature of these morsels of discussion.

So, without further ado, here's what it is, jack -- once and for all...

Pete Rose should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame. And Barry Bonds shouldn't. And Barry can smack his lips between my back pockets.

Jim Brown was the greatest running back who ever played in the NFL. And Barry Sanders was the most exciting. And if you think I'm making that distinction to have it both ways, you too can buss me where Barry Bonds can.

Pro sports are better than college. And so are the cheerleaders.

Nobody will ever hit .400 again in the major leagues. But someone WILL break Joe DiMaggio's record of hitting safely in 56 straight games, and within the next five years.

The shorts on basketball uniforms today are too long. But in the old days they were too short, so go figure.

Gordie Howe was the greatest hockey player who ever lived. But Steve Yzerman should go down as the greatest Red Wing. Again, go figure.

Muhammad Ali would've beaten Rocky Marciano, or Joe Louis, or just about any boxer you'd care to throw in front of him. And we'd never hear the end of it from him.

Ty Cobb was the greatest baseball player who ever lived. And Henry Aaron was much better than anyone gives him credit for.

Domed stadiums are the bane of our society. And AstroTurf was positively sent here by Beezelbub.

The designated hitter rule should be eliminated. Including in high school and college. It's that bad.

Michael Jordan was great, but he wasn't better than Wilt Chamberlain. Or Bill Russell. Or even Oscar Robertson. And I'm still not sure about Elgin Baylor.

College basketball should bring back the jump ball. Any sport that can't trust its referees to toss a ball three feet in the air fairly is no sport worth watching, in my book.

The new shootout rule in the NHL is exciting. It's fun to watch. More fun than I thought. But it's got to go.

The NFL should let its defensive backs actually COVER receivers. So the rule outlawing the "chuck" beyond five yards of the line of scrimmage needs to be eliminated. Let the DB jostle -- until the ball's in the air.

Tommy Hearns beat Sugar Ray Leonard in their 1989 rematch that ended in a draw -- I don't care what anyone says. But even Ray agrees with me.

Alan Trammell and Lou Whitaker are the greatest double play combination in baseball history. But they do not belong in the Hall of Fame. However, the lack of consideration they got from the voters was shameful.

I'd rather have Isiah Thomas with the ball in the closing seconds of a must-win game than Chauncey Billups. But not by much. And Joe Dumars shooting rather than Richard Hamilton. By even less. And I'll take Ben Wallace's defense and rebounding over Dennis Rodman's. But give me Bill Laimbeer over Rasheed Wallace, and Tayshaun Prince instead of Mark Aguirre.

While we're at it, I'll take Mickey Lolich over Jack Morris; Trammell and Whitaker over Dick McAuliffe and Ray Oyler; Chet Lemon over Mickey Stanley; Al Kaline over Kirk Gibson; Willie Horton over Larry Herndon; Lance Parrish over Bill Freehan; and Willie Hernandez over anyone you got, and the 1984 Tigers would beat the '68 Tigers in a seven-game series. And they'd need all seven, believe me.

But don't talk to me about today's Red Wings against the teams from the 1950's, because our current heroes are missing one very key ingredient, and his name is Terry Sawchuk. End of THAT discussion.

The next NFL Commissioner, after Paul Tagliabue retires, should be someone with sports acumen, who can bring people together, who can be a visionary, and who isn't afraid of innovation. A forward thinker. A dynamic public speaker and someone who isn't bigger than the game, but isn't dwarfed by it either. Someone like...Bill Clinton.

The Stanley Cup is the greatest trophy in all of sports, and its pursuit is the most compelling. But the NFL's Vince Lombardi Trophy means more to more people. Which is funny, because it's nowhere near as tough to win as the Stanley Cup.

Baseball got itself in this steroid mess because when it had the chance to lay down the law against drug users like Steve Howe and Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry, it gave them chance after chance after chance, and so here we are. And Mark McGwire's and Barry Bonds' single-season homerun records should have the biggest, fattest asterisks you can find placed next to them. And the record books in which they are contained should be placed in the Fiction section of the library.

If a football game needs to be won, and I need a quarterback to direct the winning drive, you can keep Joe Montana. You can keep John Elway. You can even keep Tom Brady. I'm sending for Bobby Layne.

If I need a baseball game to be won, and it absolutely has to happen, give me Jack Morris.

Lou Brock was out at the plate in Game 5 of the '68 World Series, no matter what he says. If he would have slided, he would have been safe. So he has no one to blame but himself.

Today's players, in all the four major sports, have it tougher than their ancestors because of all the coast-to-coast travel they have to do, even when you factor in that yesterday's athletes had to travel mostly by train. But if one of today's owners had to pay for a Babe Ruth or Joe DiMaggio or Ted Williams, extrapolated into 2006 funds, that owner would have to take a second job.

If the Lions would have beaten the Cowboys in that 1970 playoff game in which they lost, 5-0, they'd have won the Super Bowl, and maybe another.

Tiger Stadium should be somehow renovated and put to use. Knocking it down would do far more harm to the city's -- and state's -- soul than anyone in the mayor's office or on the city council could possibly imagine.

The Silverdome, however, should be imploded and its plastic roof melted.

So there you have it. The way things are, and should be.

Got anymore?