New Feature: Thursday's Things

Gonna start doing something new here at OOB. Thursdays are the victims.

I'm calling it "Thursday's Things." Here's how it works: every Thursday I'll meander (even more so than usual), in sort of list fashion. Every week I'll discuss selected "things." Today's inaugural edition is "Things I Can Do Without." These may rotate, so several weeks from now there may be more Things I Can Do Without. Next week might be Things That I Love About Football, etc.

Ready? Here we go...

Things I Can Do Without

1. Captain's "C" on sports jerseys other than hockey. I don't know why, but I completely accept the "C" and "A" on hockey jerseys, but when I see them pop up in other sports, it just looks ... stupid. Jason Varitek wears a "C" for the Red Sox, Mike Sweeney wears it for Kansas City, and I've seen some NBA players donning them. I'm sorry, but reserve the "C" for hockey -- the first team sport to use them. When you talk hockey, it MATTERS to wonder, "Who's going to wear the 'C'?" In baseball or basketball? Sorry -- just doesn't cut it.

2. Bill Walton. OK, so Bill Walton isn't a "thing" (actually, maybe that's debatable). But Walton is like Michigan's weather; if you don't like what he says, wait five minutes -- he'll change. One trip up the court, the Pistons are the greatest team in the league. Three minutes later, after a couple of turnovers, they're a team in disarray. At halftime, the Spurs' defense is the most questionable entity in basketball. Midway thru the third quarter, they're impenetrable. Walton is bipolar in his analysis. Everything is either great or awful -- no in between.

3. References to God's sports roster when someone passes away. My goodness, I'm sick of this hackneyed phrase in memorium to someone: "God must have needed a (fill in the blank)." Yankees owner George Steinbrenner (or maybe his spokesman, considering The Boss's declining health) was guilty of it after Phil Rizzuto died. "God must have needed a shortstop," Steinbrenner's statement said. Ugh. I've heard that so many times. Considering all the athletes who've died in world history, I think God's roster is full. You never hear regular people say, "Well, God must have needed an insurance salesman," or "God must have needed an interior decorator." Why does God only need athletes? I'd like to hear this, after someone unpopular dies: "Well, God must have needed an ---hole."

4. "We Will Rock You". That song was released by Queen about 30 years ago. And still we're bombarded with it at sports venues. That, and Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll (Part II)" have got to go. And, at risk of defending the hometown Pistons fans, I'm sort of tired of that "Final Countdown" theme that was the song of the Bad Boys, circa 1989-90 -- but is still played today at The Palace. But I'll be satisfied, for now, with the banishment of "We Will Rock You."

5. Rod Allen's "third base leads" lesson. This is about the only thing I dislike about Allen, the Tigers' FSN analyst who's one of the best in the business, as far as I'm concerned. But he seems infatuated with telling us that a runner at third base should always take his lead in foul territory, lest he be hit with a batted ball and be called out. Rod, I have NEVER, EVER seen a big league ballplayer take a lead from third base in fair territory. I don't know if I've ever seen it happen in a Little League contest. He said it again the other night in Cleveland. ENOUGH!

6. Soccer enthusiasts. Look, your game is terrific -- for those who like it. I appreciate the stamina and physical skills needed to play it. But why are some folks so insistent that it be accepted in the United States? Why can't they just accept it for what it is: a niche sport that's played by children because it tires them out for the parents' peace at home? Those who warm to it pursue it beyond high school -- like any other sport. But it just seems to be rammed down our throats in the States and I'm not sure why. And it's not the lack of scoring that I have a problem with. It's the lack of scoring chances. I can stomach 1-0, 2-1 games if there are a lot of near misses. The enormity of a soccer goal is almost mocking the attackers. "I'm 90 feet wide by 70 feet tall and the score will STILL be 1-0 -- if you're lucky."

Those are my "things" for this Thursday. Feel free to kick the stuffing out of me now, if you wish. Or agree with me. Either way. They're just things.