Tuesday's Feature: The Straightaway

(every Tuesday, Out of Bounds features "The Straightaway," NASCAR commentary from Brazil-based Siddy Hall)

THE STRAIGHTAWAY

by Siddy Hall

20 THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT NASCAR

20. FRONT TIRE CHANGERS: Everybody in the pit crew is cool. The Jackman is the King galloping around the car with his mechanical baby. The Gasman and Catch Can look like they arrived from outer space. But nothing is cooler than the pitstop ending and the front tire changer pointing the way back to the track.

Ohhhh.....#$!%! For THIS I'm only #20??

19. THE BLAME GAME: Robby Gordon has put a wrinkle in someone’s machine. Soon, the cameras await an explanation from the participants. Will someone apologize or will there be more future fireworks? Better yet, The Intimidator shrugs after knocking someone out, “Awww, that was just one of them racin’ deals.”

18. BARNEY HALL: Name a big event in the history of NASCAR and the voice of NASCAR radio was probably there. He’s like your favorite uncle entering your home each Sunday afternoon.

The Ernie Harwell of NASCAR -- Barney Hall

17. THE BUMP ‘N RUN: When performed to perfection it’s the prettiest move in racing. When done wrong, a fist-fight can break out. The high-speed tap takes nerves and finesse. See Jeff Gordon on Rusty Wallace at Martinsville or Jeremy Mayfield on Dale Earnhardt at Pocono for examples.

16. FLAG POLES: When camping at the track don’t forget your flagpole. The person with the tallest flagpole is the King Daddy for the weekend. Four stories tall with an American flag, a #3 flag plus a #8 is pretty standard.

15. WARM-UP LAPS: You’ve been waiting a long time for the race to finally arrive. And now they are driving by in slow motion, warming up the tires, all those glorious colors and the deafening noise. There’s nothing like it.

14. SOUTHERN ACCENTS: Hey, what’s wrong with Jimmie Johnson anyways? It’s the way that he talks. That ain’t southern. You gotta have the right drawl. In the dictionary, next to “southern accent” is a picture of Sterling Marlin. Or, make that Sturlin’. I wanna talk like him.

Johnson doesn't got no drawl at all ... at least not like Marlin (above)

13. DIE-CASTS: Put ‘em everywhere, all over your house. Build a massive glass enclosed cabinet that reaches the ceiling, so friends can see them and they don’t collect any dust. And most importantly, don’t let your kids play with them.

"Honey, you can keep the house; this one is MINE"

12. BARRELL ROLLS: O.K. so the Roof Flap was a great invention. Amazingly, those two little pieces of metal keeps the car from flying to the moon. But you must admit, you’ll always watch a good barrel roll. It’s a special bonus when the driver walks away. Here’s a good one with Davey Allison at Pocono.

11. ELI GOLD and ALAN BESTWICK: What!! Eli Gold is broadcasting Trucks? No way. And where did Alan Bestwick go? How did these guys fade from the scene.? It’s not right.

10. TIRE RUB MARKS: It’s been a long afternoon at the short track. Just look at all those beautiful rub marks. The fenders, the doors, the quarter-panels. Just covered in sheet-metal kisses. We need more of this.

9. RE-PAINTED SCHOOL BUSES: Forget your fancy RV. The re-modeled 25 year-old school bus is the way to attend a NASCAR event. Just rip out the seats and add a platform to the roof for watching the race and let the Good Times Roll.

8. DRIVER NAMES: Dick Trickle, Banjo Matthews, Lake Speed, Fireball Roberts, Swirvin’ Irvan, Kasey Kahne, Shorty Rollins, Junior Johnson, Little E, Cale Yarborough, Rusty Wallace, Ricky Rudd, Buck Baker, Speedy Thompson, Coo-Coo Marlin, Elmo Langley, Fonty Flock and Cotton Owens.

Where are all the Fireball Robertses nowadays?

7. NASCAR JUNK: Think of an object. Now place a driver name and number on it. Now go buy it!! Blankets, key chains, teddy bears, beer coolers, mud flaps, baby clothes, panties, guitars, guns, lunch boxes, tools. Turn your home into a NASCAR museum.

Look closely; this ain't no run-of-the-mill, ugly lamp; it's a NASCAR ugly lamp!

6. HOODLESS CARS: Hey, check out the lap traffic. It’s a car with no hood!!! Awesome!! Somebody had problems.

5. THE BUSCH BROTHERS: Sure, go ahead and complain you boo-birds. The coolest guys in NASCAR are right under your nose. It’s the Bratty Busch Brothers!! Trouble-makers are cool! They stir up the action. They’re from Las Vegas!!! They are the Busch Brothers and you’re not!!

BUSSSCCCHH!

4. BRISTOL NIGHT RACE: Thunder Valley, baby!! Those poor critters in the woods probably just hide all night. It sounds like the world will explode. Nope, it’s just the pre-race party. Just wait until the show begins. Don’t forget your earplugs!!

3. GEOFF BODINE DAYTONA TRUCK WRECK: He lived to tell about it!! That’s the beauty of it. It’s why the drivers are our heroes. Don’t remember this wreck? Sure, you do. It’s right here from YouTube.

2. PAINT JOBS: We should all paint our cars this way. Dale Earnhardt’s Wrangler car. Mountain Dew. Tide. Bud. Miller Lite. M & M’s. Cingular. Target. They are all cool. Heck, you could have a Joe’s Root Canal car and even that would be cool.

The Skoal car: "Just a pinch between the axle and fender"

1. DAYTONA: Twice a year and they are both grand. The long awaited season opener, plus the old Firecracker 400, now under the lights. Happy 4th of July!!

(you can e-mail Siddy Hall: cityhall172000 at yahoo.com)