Monday, October 06, 2008

Lions' Big Top Full Of Yuks And Side-Splitting Escapades

My goodness, what will Peyton Manning do to them? Or Jake Delhomme? Or Kerry Collins?

The Lions are mostly a G-rated team, for isn't that the category under which you'd place the circus? They're real knee-slappers, those Lions are. Steve Sabol and his NFL Films people need only capture the Lions' games, no one else's, on celluloid for their next "Football Follies" special.

You've seen the outtakes before. Look! The quarterback fades back to pass, and throws the ball, and ... nobody's there! Ha ha! Isn't that funny? Or lookie there -- the Bears' quarterback fades back to pass, and throws the ball, and ... nobody's there -- from the other team, that is. Or how about this? The Lions win a challenge, keep the football after a near-fumble, then throw a pick six almost immediately thereafter! And here's another B-list QB -- Kyle Orton -- having a "career day." All while that calliope music plays. You can practically smell the elephant ears and the caramel apples.

Stop, stop -- you're killing me!

Some things automatically elicit laughter, just on their mere mention.

A beleaguered stand-up comic only need to mention Cleveland, or Hoboken, and he'll get some cheap laughs. Military intelligence.

The Detroit Lions!

I'm doubled over right now, convulsing in laughter.

Listen to the starting wide receiver bellyache about not getting the ball enough! Now watch as the QB throws it to him, as requested, and -- the receiver drops it! Now hear the receiver tell everyone afterward that the Lions are 0-4 but "are better than that."

Yes sir -- step right up and listen to the head football coach spew cliches and talk about watching film and say things like, "The execution wasn't there," and "I don't live for the future", and "It's on me." Just pull the string -- six different catch phrases will play randomly, for your listening pleasure!

Guaranteed laughs, folks! Watch the funny, funny football team fall behind 21-0! 21-3! 31-0!

It's a laugh riot -- so why do some people wear such sour pusses?

My friend Big Al over at TWFE -- he's taking it so personally! The Lions are killing him, when they should be tickling his ribs, as they do with me.

But I forgive Big Al, for he obviously hasn't made the metamorphosis. He still is fighting to get out of the cocoon. Once he makes it out, he'll be a much happier man. Also guaranteed.

I'm free. Liberated. The Lions cannot hurt me any more. I revel in this, I really do. They've lost me -- at least for now, and it's exhilirating. My Sundays are no longer ruined. My Mondays are happier, too. Mainly because I get to laugh at not only the Lions, but at all the poor saps who still live and die with this group of stiffs.

How can you get mad at a team when they clearly have no talent? How can you scold them when they do not know what they do? It's like yelling at a toddler for spilling the apple juice.

I finally realized that this season, after the opening loss in Atlanta. I don't care anymore. I hope the Lions go 1-15, or even 0-16. I could use laughs all the way through December, what with the pressures of the holiday season descending.

One reason I'm so insulated is because I know that the more the Lions lose, and the worse they lose, it's another nail being pounded into the Rod Marinelli coffin. Just more assurance that the Eno Plan will continue and Marinelli will be gone, and the Lions might have the no. 1 overall draft pick, under a regime that just might know what to do with it.

A fresh start!

The Lions are funny. I'm serious -- they're funny. Come on -- you know it's true. I remember the 2-14 seasons of 1979 and 2001, and the 3-13 years of 2002 and 2006, and I'm telling you that those teams could wipe up the floor with this bunch.

The 2008 Lions are simply outrageous. Hilarious.

The quarterback? That's a good one -- next?

The running backs? Mediocre at best.

The offensive line? I'm giggling again, stop it.

The receivers? You mean the guys with mini-trampolines inside their jerseys that cause the football to bounce off them all the time? That was REALLY clever, whoever came up with that contraption.

The defensive line? The guys who treat the opposing quarterback like he's made of nitroglycerin?

The defensive backs and linebackers? You mean the bunch who couldn't create a turnover even if you gave them a Pillsbury can and the doughboy for instruction? Those guys are pretty funny too, real cut ups.

The kick returners? My sides are hurting, PLEASE stop!

So why is everyone screaming and carrying on and getting all mad and stuff?

The Lions are high schoolers playing in the National Football League. What do you expect?

Laugh. It's the best alternative to crying.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


You hit the nail on the head. You are a step behind, though, in your transformation. The final step, which I reached mid-way through the 2nd half of last season is when you actively root for the Lions demise. You scan the internet Sunday afternoon after the game to find the most gut wrenching diatribes from Lions fans. You replay Marinelli's presser Monday afternoon to look for the most moronic quotes. You actually feel better when you see the score move from 14-0 in the first quarter to 21-0, because you think it brings you that much closer to the #32 spot on the power rankings. It's no use hoping for a good outcome, so once you have stopped laughing, you will actually begin to enjoy rooting for the WORST FRANCHISE IN THE HISTORY OF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS to sink even deeper. If you can't be the best, why not be the worst?