Out of Bounds: Tuesday's Feature: The Straightaway

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Tuesday's Feature: The Straightaway

(every Tuesday, "Out of Bounds" will feature "The Straightaway," NASCAR commentary from longtime racing observer Siddy Hall)

THE STRAIGHTAWAY

by Siddy Hall

NASCAR’S GHOST RIDERS: THE 10 QUIETEST CARS OF 2007

When viewing NASCAR events there are two types of cars that receive the most attention: the race leaders and the wrecking machines.

But what about the rest of the cars? Where are these guys week in and week out? Many of these cars are merely a rumor. To analyze this, I’ve compiled a list of the 10 least noticeable cars this year.

No quacks allowed!! Each car must have raced at least seven of the nine races. This eliminates most of the Toyotas. So Jeremy Mayfield, Brian Vickers, and A.J. Almindinger are out. Ward Burton, Kevin Lepage, Paul Menard and Kenny Wallace are also among the drivers that are not eligible for this list.

Finally, imagine having to write about a boring race car. That’s not easy. Every driver has a website, so I’m supplying some of the spin that those sites are serving up for their driver.
By the way, many of these cars have one thing in common: some were near the front of that parade line that traveled around Talladega for about twenty laps. Single-file racing at ‘Dega? Now that’s boring, man.

1. KYLE PETTY (T-32nd, 9 starts, 0 Top-10): Amazingly, it’s been ten years since Kyle scored a Top-Five. Equally amazing has been his team’s ability to survive. Just for fun, ask a friend if he/she can name Kyle’s primary sponsor. Just don’t ask me because I don’t know.

Petty promises a young fan a Top-43 finish

Petty’s website spin: “Petty Enterprises showed again that they have a very strong restrictor plate program. The duo of Kyle Petty and Bobby Labonte collected two top 20 finishes, but Petty was one of the strongest cars all afternoon … had a strong car throughout the day. The Billy Wilburn-led crew started the day 25th and waited to the end to show their cards. Petty was in the lead draft all day, but was cautious in case of the ‘big one.’”

2. REED SORENSON (29th, 9 starts, 1 Top-10): Sorenson finished 24th in points during his rookie year in 2006. Over the final 29 races, he was never higher than 20th or lower than 25th in the overall standings. Man, that’s boring. But in a good way. Late at Talladega, when Gordon, Johnson and Earnhardt, Jr. broke out of the single-file line to form a new freight train, it was Sorenson who jumped in front of this pack and broke their momentum.

Sorenson prepares for life after racing

Sorenson’s website spin: – “Reed Sorenson drove a cautious race at Talladega Superspeedway, running near the rear of the field for much of the event to hopefully avoid the huge wrecks that are typical for restrictor-plate races.”

3. TONY RAINES (22nd, 9 starts, 0 Top-10): The Dallas Cowboy QB tandem of Troy Aikman and Roger Staubach are part owners of a boring race car. But again, in a good way. No wrecks. They could spice things up by subbing Tony Romo for Tony Raines. This is my favorite website spin from this list. The writer is madder than a wet hen.
Raines’ website spin: – “No Drafting Help Equals 22nd-Place Finish for Raines”. “On Lap 181, Raines was in ninth place. On Lap 182, Raines was in 20th-place. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet “The Draft.” After being in the top-10 for nearly 20 laps, Raines was going backward as his competitors slipstreamed past him.”

4. JOE NEMECHEK (28th, 8 starts, 1 Top-10): Nemechek’s season was defined early on by his ability to make races on his qualifying speed. Front Row Joe went 4-for-5 and did an excellent job of making his team viable. However, now we are entering Race number ten and it’s time to admit that Joe has been rather dull. Nemechek’s website spin: – Joe has his own myspace page. It was last updated on March 10th, so there is no spin. Joe humors readers by actually answering the myspace part about sexual orientation! Joe’s “Straight”, everyone! Wooo-hoooo!!

5. ELLIOTT SADLER (15th, 9 starts, 1 Top-10): How is Sadler only three spots out of the Chase? Wouldn’t it be funny if he won this year’s championship? The guy hasn’t been seen all year and he’s in the hunt.
Sadler’s website spin: – “Kasey Kahne and Elliott Sadler posted top-15 finishes Sunday in the Aaron’s 499 at Talladega Superspeedway. Both drivers led laps on the 2.66-mile oval and demonstrated on several occasions their Dodge Chargers had the muscle to move to the front with relative ease. A late-race caution extended the race beyond the scheduled 188 laps and probably cost the pair a chance at top-10 finishes.”

Misery loves company: Sadler and Jarrett

6. JOHNNY SAUTER (T-32nd, 8 starts, 1 Top-10): Sauter is not only battling Kyle Petty for 32nd in points, he is also waging a silent war to top this list. However, a recent top-ten at Phoenix plus a wreck at Talladega drops Johnny to sixth. Sauter and teammate Jeff Green have once swapped sponsors on their hoods. Did you notice?

Talladega wreck knocked Johnny Sauter's earwax askew

Sauter’s website spin: – “Johnny Sauter and Team Yellow Racing saw a strong performance go awry when the Aaron's 499 went into "overtime" with a green-white-checkered finish. Sauter was running in the 18th position when the field took the final green flag at lap 190, but never made it back around.”

7. DALE JARRETT (37th, 9 starts, 0 Top-10): This year Dale Jarrett is known for three things. He drives for Toyota. He’s got good TV ads. He’s out of provisionals. So we may not be seeing much more of Dale this year. Oh wait, we haven’t seen him all year. Except during commercials.
Jarrett’s website spin: – “The struggles for Team UPS continued on race day in Talladega as Dale Jarrett reported an engine problem on the first lap of the Aaron's 499. Thirty-eight laps later the day was over for Jarrett and the UPS Team as the result of an engine failure. 'It is a bad end to a bad weekend,' Jarrett said briefly after getting out of the race car. 'It's disappointing, frustrating for me and the team.'"

8. RICKY RUDD (34th, 9 starts, 0 Top-10): I’m certain that Rudd belongs on this list because I love Snickers bars. In fact, my favorite weak-ass line to a girl in a bar is, “You look like a Snickers bar to me. I just wanna tear the wrapper right off you.” It’s mine. It’s a Siddy Hall original. Go ahead and use it.

DO NOT DISTURB: He's in a zone

Rudd’s website spin: – “Late Wreck Spoils Strong Run For Rudd.” “As fate would have it Rudd and his crew would have to put their dreams of victory away for another week.”

9. ROBBY GORDON (27th, 9 starts, 0 Top-10): The biggest upset is including Robby Gordon on this list. Robby’s been pretty quiet. Not wrecking a lot and not shooting his mouth. What’s up with him? Robby, go back to being a trouble-maker. Boring is bad.
Gordon’s website spin: – “Robby Gordon and the No. 7 team traveled to Alabama this weekend for the running of the Aaron’s 499 at the Talladega Superspeedway. After leading final practice on Friday afternoon, the team was eager for another solid finish to continue this season’s momentum. As luck would have it, a blown engine would ruin the No. 7 team’s chances for a solid finish for the season debut of the Menards/Mapei paint scheme and relegate them to a 41st place finish."

Robby taunts Mikey: "I'll race you- my feet against your slow wheels!"

10. J.J. Yeley (21st, 9 starts, 0 Top-10): What saves Yeley is that Interstate Battery paint job. You can’t miss that. One of my favorite moments of the season was listening to an MRN radio broadcast when Yeley came in for a green-flag stop. One of the announcers, I think it was Winston Kelley, yelled, “JAAAY JAAAY YAAAYLEE.” By the time he got his name out Yeley was long gone. I love MRN, they do a great job. Yeley’s website spin: – “At times Yeley would charge to the front, but in typical Talladega fashion, he would get shuffled to the rear of the field on the very next lap.”